This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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