I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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