You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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