and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
