dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
