He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
