She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
