i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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