I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
