Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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