I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
