My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
