Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
