Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
