hotel room ftw
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
