Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
