i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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