Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
