someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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