So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
