ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
