You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
