I'm so fucking centered right now
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Houston, we have a blender
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
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