Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
