i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
