I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
