Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
