i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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