Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
