fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
