Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
