evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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