I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
