How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
