He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
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If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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