I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
