im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
