It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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