I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
