Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
