my phone needs a breathalizer
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
