I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
