New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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