my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
