You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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