I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
