Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
