I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
