I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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