i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
