We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
