U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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