He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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