apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
