she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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