Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
