Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
